Thursday, September 20, 2012

hey yeah. 
unbelievably that a sudden urge to blog whereby i havent been blogging for almost a year.

life slapped me extreme hard from the start of this year. it has been a struggle for me since then. i witness people come and go even from the closest family member. i've realise that what it actually means when people often say, "cherish while you can, cause when he/she leaves you will regret." absolutely right. when grandma was alive, still living healthily. most of us just think that its normal, its nothing special, nothing to be glad about. until everyone learn about grandma's health condition, that second i believe everyone pray that grandma would be fine. after that, i was told to take care of her since im having my hols. 

so when grandma discharged from hospital, wherever she is, i'll be with her. taking care of her. being by her side from she walking to wheelchair-bounded then bedridden and the second she took her last breath. 
since young, i wasnt close with grandma. but every little things she had ever do to me, i would always remember. bringing to see doctor when im sick, taking care of me and cooking mee sua when im unable to celebrate my birthday due to some beliefs. after taking care of her for months, whenever she smile, i'll smile unknowingly. when she's upset, my heart aches as much as she felt. 
taking care of her isnt an easy task, not only to satisfy and make her happy, but also people around who is looking at us. i still remember, when its only both of us and no one else, grandma would always apologise and also thank me. this is what she say, (in hokkien)
"fen ah, sorry ah. have to trouble you everyday about me, taking care of me and everything. sorry ah, i do not have anything to give you as gratitude." or not, "fen ah, thank you ah. keep taking care of me." and no matter what she apologise or thank me, i would still reply her this.
"ah ma ah. when we were young, you took good care of us. now its our turn to takecare of you. it is what we are suppose to do. dont need to thank or apologise." 
and she will just reply, "orh"   
until grandma passed away, my world seems to crashing down. at that moment, i finally realise that being her grand daughter was such a happy and lucky thing that would ever happen to me. regretted why did not i cherish her earlier, why hadnt i visit her more frequently. no one ever know how i feel when she left, didnt had the courage to tell her iloveher. that second when she took her last breath, i really hope that she would even bring me along with her. 

grandma, i know this is silly. but i just wanna let you know that even you left us, but you have never left my heart. you are still that important to me and in the next life, i still wanna be your granddaughter. if not, vice versa. you be my granddaughter. so that i could continue taking care of you.. imissyou so much grandma. 

during this period of times, im really grateful that i have cousins and my boyf for me to rely on when im really tired. im not crediting all the effort to me, definitely every one of my family member did their part and helped me alot to take care of grandma in a better way.

in memories of our beloved strong grandma..

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